


The Snow that Refuses to Melt

by lemonthea



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, But Mostly Hurt, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Beta We Die Like August, except this takes place somewhere in between act 5 and scarlet mirror, grief is confusing and hisoka has to deal with that, this is kind of me just taking that one scene from risky game and running with it, tw for suicidal ideation (nothing big it's just the stuff from act 5)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29060271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonthea/pseuds/lemonthea
Summary: Spoilers for Act 5 of A3!"Being with a new family is scary because it means that he’s leaving August behind. If Hisoka lets go, he has to accept that he's truly gone. And he's scared of living in a world without August, even if he isn’t alone. It feelswrong.And moving on feels like a betrayal. Not to August, but to himself."In theory, 'moving on'  sounds easy.In reality, Hisoka doesn't know if he ever will.
Relationships: Arisugawa Homare/Mikage Hisoka (implied), August & Mikage Hisoka
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	The Snow that Refuses to Melt

**Author's Note:**

> _He was my family more precious to me than anybody else, but I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t even say “thank you” or “goodbye.”_  
>    
> _My past of being “December”, and my memories of my “family”––to me they’re all connected. I can’t throw them away. I can never forget them._

When Hisoka had first heard Homare mention “heartache” in a poem, he hadn’t understood it. 

And yet now, now that he has remembered the truth, that feeling has become all too familiar. Now that he has remembered, it consumes him whole. Every part of him is yearning for something he can never have again and the pain it causes him is inescapable.

For something so common, grief is incredibly hard for Hisoka to understand. Every thought he has is a contradiction to itself. Hisoka wants to forget again because knowing what he has lost hurts him **,** but he also wants to hold the few precious memories he has as close to him as he can. His memories feel distant, slowly becoming eroded by time despite the drug’s effect having worn off long ago. And he wishes he could change things, just be December again and endure everything so he could stay with his precious family, but he still wants to stay where he is now, with his new family, and he knows his safety here was all August wanted.

Azuma understands him at least, but they both know that Azuma is far more in touch with what he is feeling than Hisoka. Maybe it’s just because Azuma has been carrying his pain for longer, or because he was younger when he experienced loss, but it seems most likely that Azuma is simply just capable of something Hisoka isn’t. Even when he was still in the agency and August was alive, Hisoka’s emotions had felt dampened. It seemed like there was something everyone else had that he didn’t quite. Feeling emotions to their true extent and expressing them just as easily seemed natural to everyone else. Even Chikage, who was quick to let his anger show, whereas the mere thought of attempting to convey such a thing tired Hisoka out. 

And yet Hisoka knows that he _is_ angry. It’s a different kind of anger, ugly but rarely expressed. Rather than simply being aimed at those who he knows deserve it, he can’t help but harbour resentment towards a whole plethora of people.

And, although Hisoka would never admit it aloud, one of those people is August. While Hisoka’s precious family had been prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for him and Chikage, he had also left them behind without ever even implying that he’d been prepared to do so. Hisoka knows, logically, that he’s lucky that he had ended up here at all. And that August hadn’t really had a say in his own murder. Yet he can’t help himself from feeling frustrated at being kept in the dark for so long.

_Why didn’t you tell me? We’re family. We could have tried to find another way._

And regret.

_I didn’t know you were prepared to die like that._

There was a side to August that Hisoka had never seen while he had been alive.

_What if he hadn’t been so afraid of worrying them? What if he had told them? Could there have been another way?_

… No. It was a miracle that things had worked out the way they had already. But then maybe staying with the agency wouldn’t have been so bad if it allowed Hisoka to stay with August. Even if all August had wanted was the opposite. Even if August could see Hisoka’s life as it was right now, as a member of a theatre troupe and completely cut of all ties from the agency, it would have made him genuinely happy.

Maybe if he had seen it coming, Hisoka could have done something. Made an escape plan that involved all three of them, somehow been more prepared for a betrayal since of _course_ August wouldn’t have expected it, at least swapped out August’s drug like theirs had been… The list goes on. They’re all just excuses and he knows it and yet Hisoka can’t help himself from speculating.

It’s exhausting. Hisoka feels stuck. He thinks in circles until he can’t take it but nothing changes.

He just wishes there had at least been enough time for them to talk _once_ , even if it had been on the edge of that cliff. He wants to thank August, for everything, and say goodbye properly. He wants to tell August he loves him and he wants to hear it back. One last time.

He’ll never have that opportunity, no matter how badly he yearns for it. The first real family he has ever known had disappeared right in front of him and may never have even been aware of how much he cared. No matter what Hisoka does, the regret will stay with him. 

Did August not realise how much losing him would hurt? Even though Hisoka is grateful that he had switched out the drug, the utter despair he had felt the moment he realised there was no hope left for his precious family lingered in his mind. It wasn’t the first time he had wanted to die (far from it, in fact) but there was a stark difference between wanting to die because you had nothing to live for and wanting to die because you finally did and were about to lose it.

“ _Live_ ,” August had said, as the life was drained from his eyes. As if it were so easy. As if Hisoka could just forget the way that August had appeared when he had thought there was no hope left and changed his life completely.

August had _saved_ him. 

And yet couldn’t even seem to see it. Despite everything, the guilt of bringing Hisoka and Chikage into a life so dangerous had been crushing him for as long as they had known each other, even though he and Hisoka knew he would have been long dead if August had never reached out for him. It was hard to believe. August deserved to be happy more than either of them did and yet they were the lucky ones.

Moving on sounds simple but really knowing that it means August is gone, _forever_ , and that there will never be time for Hisoka to say what he needs to make it feel near impossible. Hisoka has told himself countless times that he’s ready. The only way to go is forward and August would be happy to know that he’s found himself a new life and that he’s happy (for the most part)... but it doesn’t stop him from being afraid of it. In fact, he’s terrified. 

Being with a new family is scary because it means that he’s leaving August behind. If Hisoka lets go, he has to accept that he’s truly gone. He’s scared of living in a world without August, even if he isn’t alone. It feels _wrong_. And moving on feels like a betrayal. Not to August, but to himself. Accepting something new and opening up again feels like losing. Letting go of August somehow feels like death is _winning_ and Hisoka is letting it take him.

Which is why a part of Hisoka exists that he’s almost ashamed of. A part of him that doesn’t want Mankiai, that still rejects it deep down because if he wasn’t here, he would still be with August. The one person who always seemed to know what to do and was always there for Hisoka, no matter what happened. August will never be here when he needs him again.

* * *

“You could always try putting your feelings into writing, dear.” Homare had said, without Hisoka even really implying he’d wanted advice. 

“I’m not writing a poem.” It was indisputable that Homare had a certain way with words. However, this was not a talent Hisoka shared and even if it were, Hisoka isn’t sure he would want to try to imitate something Homare was so talented at.

“Ah, but there are many other ways you could express yourself.” Completely unfazed by being shot down so bluntly, Homare continued. “Maybe you would be more suited to writing your family a letter? But then and again if you want something longer you could create a short story. You could even consult Tsuzuru and write a play. And our Culture Club is always open to new mem-”

“Arisu, stop.”

A letter... truth be told he’d stopped paying attention after he’d heard the first suggestion but Homare’s rambling was too loud for him to focus. It wasn’t an awful idea. At least then he could tell August everything he’d never been able to. 

“I can leave if that would make it easier?”

“No, stay. Just be quiet.”

 _“Dear August,”_ he writes. And then he stops. How can he possibly put any of his feelings into words? There are so many things he wants to say and yet when he tries to form concrete ideas in his head, they slip away from him.

Whenever he remembered August, he pictured a warmth. Regardless of all of the hurt and fear Hisoka felt, that warmth was supposed to protect him. It hadn’t mattered what danger he submitted himself to as an agent, because he knew that, with August, he would always be safe.

The absence of that warmth felt far colder than that ocean ever had.

And since then, the cold has remained. 

The moment Hisoka had heard gunshots on what was supposed to be an easy mission, an icicle had been embedded somewhere in his heart. He can’t always feel it, but he knows it’s there, cold enough to burn.

Mankai is warm. _Homare_ is warm. It’s a different kind of warm, perhaps less of an unconditional safety and more of a zealous support. Of course it isn’t enough to melt the icicle (nothing could ever be) but it’s warm enough to have shaken off the snow that coated his bones.

Homare pulls him close. He holds Hisoka against him and he’s once again enveloped by warmth. 

... But the ice in his heart only becomes colder, stinging his chest as if reminding him. 

Hisoka bitterly chokes back tears. He wishes it were easy; he wishes reassurance from Homare could save him and make everything feel better but in reality there was nothing that could. The cold is there to stay. Hisoka will have to keep it with him for the rest of his life.

…

If this letter really could reach August, this new warmth is what he would really want to hear about.

It was all August had wanted. His precious family’s new lives, now no longer existing as December and April. They were Hisoka and Chikage and they were _safe_ , surrounded by people who loved them and no longer faced by the threat of being killed just for being a part of something August had gotten them involved in.

And there’s no doubt in Hisoka’s mind that August would have wanted to know about Homare, too. He often teased him and Chikage about either of them finding someone who truly understood and loved them, in a different way to the bond the three already shared. It had always been embarrassing, but thinking back on it now, it had just been another sign Hisoka hadn’t noticed. Whenever either had asked August about himself, he had simply smiled back at them. _I’ll be happy as long as I know the two of you are._ Thinking about those words now made Hisoka’s chest ache.

Still. If this isn’t what August had meant then Hisoka is sure he’ll never understand. 

“Arisu,” Hisoka starts, but when Homare meets his eyes, he’s lost on how to continue. His expression is so full of love, as it always is, and Hisoka wonders whether Homare is even aware that Hisoka feels the same and just as strongly.

Instead of speaking, he leans forward and circles his arms around him. To an outsider, the display of affection likely doesn’t seem much different from usual, but Homare inhales sharply, frozen in place for a few moments. Although Hisoka will often lean his head against Homare’s shoulder without asking, it’s incredibly rare for him to initiate something as intimate as a hug. His grip tightens despite Homare’s lack of a response, pulling him in.

Homare isn’t August but Hisoka wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Do you not plan to write anything?” Homare’s tone is surprisingly gentle. The sheet of paper still lies face-up on the table, almost completely unblemished, like untrodden snow.

“Mmh. Not right now.” He can’t. He isn’t ready. 

It feels ironic. Hisoka has stared death in the face more times than he can recall and yet this is infinitely harder. Even though he wishes there was an easy way to externalise all of this, to just have everything written out clearly and in a way that isn’t quite so hard to understand, he feels like he needs to spend a little more time unraveling everything in his head first. Because right now, he still isn’t sure how to face how he feels around the cold. Maybe he will eventually, when the thought of healing isn’t quite so intimidating and his own feelings don’t seem so repulsive.

He wants to be ready. And yet just acknowledging how he feels is exhausting. Being numb is easy. Being numb means he can keep moving forward and it doesn’t have to hurt. Because if Hisoka isn’t numb, then how can he keep himself together? He wouldn’t. He _couldn’t._ How can a world without August, someone who he loved and that loved him back so dearly, keep spinning the way Hisoka’s world so easily does? 

And yet it does. Hisoka is alive right now, still moving and breathing even without August. As impossible and wrong it feels, Hisoka is okay and that has to count for something.


End file.
